Retro Review: Immortals

I am really desperate for a good, faithful film adaption of ancient mythology.

Immortals is not that movie.

A shot of Theseus in the movie ImmortalsI went into this movie with fairly low expectations — expecting at best a goofy 300-esque romp — but it still managed to disappoint bitterly.

Ostensibly inspired by Greek mythology, Immortals follows a young Theseus as he battles a mad king who seeks to release the Titans from Tartarus. The king is after a magical bow of incredible power, so the race is on to stop him from getting it.

I won’t waste too much time listing off all the different ways this movie was bad. It was overflowing with cliches, there was no character development to speak of, and so on and so forth. It’s every sin you can expect a mindless action movie to commit.

I don’t even mind a simple popcorn movie from time to time — sometimes you just want to watch stuff blow up without thinking too hard — but Immortals doesn’t even work as a popcorn movie. There’s surprisingly little action for a movie that clearly put no effort at all into its actual story, and the action that does exist is very repetitive and uncreative.

It manages the incredible feat of making the story feel both incredibly rushed and painfully stretched out. There is no foreshadowing or natural development, but this is a movie that is far longer than it needed to be.

What bothers me more than anything, though, is how little this has to do with actual mythology. They’re just using the names — this movie has nothing to do with the actual Greek myths. There is virtually no correlation between the plot of Immortals and the actual myths surrounding Theseus, and the rest of the movie’s mythological elements fare no better.

The Titans, for example, are portrayed as these mindless, inhuman zombie-like creatures, not regal progenitors of the gods. Athena is a dual-wielding ninja for some incomprehensible reason. This is Aegis-bearing Athena we’re talking about, here. Hyperion is psycho mortal king instead of a Titan. Theseus has no connection to Athens…

Much of the movie deals with the law that gods must not interfere with mortals, and Zeus’ fanatical adherence to enforcing it. But there’s nothing like that in Greek mythology. The gods were constantly interfering with the lives of mortals — it was pretty much their thing. This is doubly true of Zeus. Dude couldn’t go two weeks without knocking up some mortal girl. Half of bloody Greece was Zeus’ bastard progeny.

Ancient art of the Greek god ZeusLet’s be clear here: I was not expecting Immortals to be a faithful representation of Greek mythology. But there’s artistic license, and then there’s appropriating and bastardizing a rich cultural heritage to sell tickets. This movie has nothing to do with Greek mythology.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to find a faithful adaption of ancient mythology. Movie producers seem to think they need to sexy up the old stories, but they really don’t. If you actually study ancient mythology, you know that it’s already full of so much absurd sex and violence it could pass as a Game of Thrones episode.

If anything, they might have to tone things down a bit.

I can’t help but compare Immortals to 300. 300 clearly wasn’t trying to be slavishly accurate to history, yet the broad strokes of the story were remarkably accurate to the true events of the Battle of Thermopylae, and I when I studied the Greek-Persian War, I was amazed to learn how much of the movie’s events and dialogue are taken straight from the pages of history.

That whole “tonight we dine in Hell” speech? If you trust the historical records, Leonidas really said all that.

300 was also far more creative and colourful in its action scenes, and it did not waste time, focusing on the bloodshed we all wanted to see. Despite that, it was still a movie with some heart and a relatively strong amount of character development.

Immortals has none of that. I could forgive it being crude and poorly written. I could maybe even forgive it being a ludicrously inaccurate debauchery of the Greek myths. But on top of all that, it’s also frightfully dull, and that just can’t be forgiven.

I have only two good things to say about this movie.

One is that I thought it was cool that the super powerful magical weapon is a bow this time around instead of a sword. That’s a nice change of pace. Too bad the bow is hardly ever used for anything.

Mickey Rourke as King Hyperion in ImmortalsThe other is that Mickey Rourke is very good as King Hyperion. The character is written terribly, but Rourke portrays him with a great deal of gravitas, and he’s chillingly convincing as a brilliant but cruel despot.

Those things aren’t anywhere near enough to save this trainwreck of a movie, though.

Overall rating: 3.3/10 Just don’t.

Original Fiction: Thought and Memory

A few weeks back, I posted a short story I wrote for my father as a cheap Christmas present. He wasn’t the only one getting a Word document in his proverbial stocking, though. A dear friend of mine is even more of a Norse mythology nut than I am, so when I came up with a story idea that was heavily inspired by the Nordic myths, I knew I had to write it for her.

Art of Odin, the All-FatherNow, I’m sharing that story with you, my blog readers. As with the previous tale, it’s something I threw together very quickly, but I think it turned out okay all things considered. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

——————–

Thought and Memory

© 2014 by Tyler F.M. Edwards.

A woman ascended a lonely hill.

Her legs burned, and her body ached. Each ragged breath tore at her lungs in the thin air. Clouds drifted all about her, and her clothes hung heavy in the dank air. She had traveled long and hard to come to this place, and the journey had nearly destroyed her.

Yet the pain in her body was naught before the pain in her heart, a gnawing emptiness like a wound of the soul.

She came, at last, to the summit of the hill, an island in a sea of mist. A great tree grew there, reaching upward until its branches were lost in the endless fog. Strangely, it tapered downward, such that its trunk was its thinnest part, seeming too small to support the great bulk of branches above. It was as if the tree was just a finger of something far greater, reaching down to touch the earth below.

The woman drew her and sword and drove it into the soil before the tree. “Gods above, hear me!” she cried, her voice echoing through the mountain air. “I have fought with bravery and lived with honor; I have said my prayers and made my sacrifices, and I demand to be heard in return!”

She waited for long moments, breathing heavily. The echoes of her words still shivered through the air, like the whispers of ghosts.

A flutter of feathers met her ears, and she looked up to see two ravens alight upon the tree’s lowest branches.

The raven to her left spoke. “You called, and we have answered.” Its voice was not at all birdlike but instead that of a young man, smooth and calm. “Indeed you have lived with honor, and so you have earned at least the right to be heard. What boon do you ask of the gods?”

The woman felt her blood run hot, and her fists clenched with rage. “They took him from me!” she burst out. An image appeared in her mind of a tall man with strong hands and blue eyes like shards of the summer sky. “Foreigners and wretches! Those who would curse the names of the gods!”

Now she felt tears run down her cheeks, achingly hot in the cool air. “My love was slain by their blades. He has earned his place at the gods’ side, but I cannot live without him. I beg of you to send him back! Call him back from the foreign land where he lies buried and let him once again draw breath, that we may be together again.”

The raven crooked its head. “Nothing worth having comes without sacrifice, as our master knows better than anyone else. What will you give up, what will you suffer, to earn that which you ask?”

She looked to the second raven, who had still not spoken a word. She swallowed. “Memory,” she said. “Take all the memories from me of death and loss and pain. I have no wish to endure them any longer.”

The first raven shook its head. “Nay, that is no sacrifice. It is but a second blessing.”

She took a shuddering breath. “Then take it all!” she declared. “The joy and the sorrow, the good times and the bad times. I would sooner forget my love’s face then let him lie forgotten in foreign soil. Give him the joy of a long and blessed life that I am denied.”

The first raven looked at the second, and for the first time, the second spoke.

Its voice was unlike anything she had ever heard. It was the grinding of the earth over long centuries, and bells tolling the end of eons. It was everything, and it was nothing.

“Very well,” spoke the second raven. “Your memory for your love. The choice is made.”

It took flight, soaring straight toward her. Sharp talons hooked into her face, drawing blood, and she saw its beak looming large before her.

It thrust forward, and its beak tore into her right eye.

Her scream echoed off the slopes.

The raven kept digging and tearing, feasting on the soft flesh of her eyeball until only an empty socket remained. Blood and other fluids streamed down her face, and the pain was horrific, but she forced herself to endure.

As the raven feasted, she felt more than her eye disappearing down its gullet. She felt herself bleeding away, her memories flowing from her mind like water from a broken bucket. Moments of peace and the screams of battle, love and hate, friends and enemies – all vanished from her, until only emptiness remained.

She collapsed onto the rough grass, and the last thing she heard was the rustle of feathered wings.

* * *

A woman awoke upon a lonely hill.

Her face ached, and she shuddered with her horror as her groping fingers found a ragged hole where her right eye should be.

She tried to remember where she was, or why she had come there, but her mind was empty. She could not even remember who she was.

She looked up and saw a strange tree at the summit of the hill, but something about it made her shudder. With no better options, she began to descend the hill, pausing only to collect a sword she found lying next to her.

She kept moving throughout the day, though she went slowly. Each step was a labor, as if she had walked for days.

That night, at the foot of the hill, she made camp. Rummaging through her pack, she found tools to make a fire, and some furs to sleep in. And then something else at the very bottom of the pack: a book.

Carefully, she opened the cover, finding the pages within covered with runes. And she began to read.

It was a diary. It told her everything about who she was. It spoke of her life to date, and it spoke of a man with strong hands and kind blue eyes. It spoke of how to find him.

The woman smiled up at the stars. They had taken her memory, but not her thought.