Review: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Once again, the call of Middle-Earth has brought me creeping back to civilization from my abode in the fetid wildlands. The last installment of the Hobbit trilogy is upon us, and I would not miss it for all the gold in Erebor.

Azog the Defiler commands an army of Orcs in The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five ArmiesMmm, that’s a nerdy reference.

In the end, it was not the spectacular that the Lord of the Rings films were, but I couldn’t rightly call it a disappointment.

Smoke on the water:

Whereas the Desolation of Smaug was fairly plodding, the Battle of the Five Armies hits the ground running and never slows its pace, picking up immediately after the previous movie with Smaug raining destruction on Laketown.

While his role is relatively small this time around, I was once again blown away by how pitch-perfect Smaug is in these films. Every about his visuals and voice-overs is absolutely stellar.

Dragons are so overexposed in the fantasy genre that they’ve become a little blase, but Smaug reminds me of why we all loved dragons. Done properly, they are both majestic and terrible, and Smaug embodies that perfectly.

The Necromancer reveals himself in The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five ArmiesShortly afterward, the audience is treated to the White Council’s confrontation with the Necromancer of Mirkwood, Sauron in truth, at Dol Guldur.

This is a scene that I will point to for years to come as an example of why I love the fantasy genre. It is a clash of powers beyond mortal comprehension, and a triumph of the cinematic art. The Nazgul are more frightening than ever, and Galadriel’s power is both awesome and terrible.

The rest of the movie can’t really hold up to the mind-blowing majesty of these early scenes, but it still proves an enjoyable ride.

I will have war:

The Battle of the Five Armies is pretty much a non-stop action sequence. If the last film was a little too sluggish and bogged down in unnecessary details, then Five Armies can feel a little thin with its endless battles and unending procession of fantastic monsters.

Still, this isn’t Michael Bay does Middle-Earth. There’s still enough character and feeling to keep things from feeling completely mindless.

Thranduil and Gandalf in The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five ArmiesI am forced to conclude that splitting the book into three movies was probably a mistake. Two movies would have been fine, I think, but three did stretch it out a little too much.

Still, I wouldn’t call this a crippling flaw, and for what it’s worth, Desolation of Smaug suffered from the stretching a lot more than Five Armies did. But I do think the last two movies would have been a bit more satisfying if they had been combined to create a balance between character, backstory, and action.

I have a few other minor issues with the movie, too. One is that Thorin’s descent into madness is a little over-the-top. They made it too surreal, too sudden, and a little too hammy, and it cheapened the message of the story — that greed corrupts.

My one other issue is that I would have liked a little more tie-in to Lord of the Rings near the end. Sauron more or less vanishes from the story after his defeat at Dol Guldur.

This is accurate to the book, as the battle with the Necromancer was little more than a footnote in The Hobbit, but since they were already adding in the stuff from the appendices and Lord of the Rings, I don’t see why they couldn’t have slipped a little nod in. Maybe we could see Saruman peering into the Palantir and confronting Sauron for the first time.

A map of Middle EarthIt’s just a little jarring to have this unbelievably epic battle between him and the White Council at the beginning, only to have that entire story arc vanish thereafter.

On the other hand, there’s a tremendous amount of subtle detail in Five Armies that I truly enjoyed. Things like the beautiful discipline of an Elven army, the boisterous courage of the Dwarves, and the scrappy tenacity of the people of Laketown. The Elven king mourning the immortal lives lost under his command, and little nods to the greater mythology, such as Galadriel calling Sauron, “Servant of Morgoth.”

More so than in all the past movies — perhaps even the Lord of the Rings trilogy — Five Armies is a film where Middle-Earth and all of its rich cultures are brought to life in wondrous detail, and for a fan like me, that’s just wonderful.

Overall rating: 8.9/10

Holiday Gaming: Master Skins and Magic Flutes

The holiday lull is always a good time to get caught up on one’s gaming. In my case, I wound up focusing my attention once again on The Secret World and Heroes of the Storm, enjoying the holiday festivities of both.

My Templar showing off her new Wassailer outfit in The Secret WorldThe Christmas Conspiracy:

After the home-run that was Halloween’s new mission, I was actually a bit disappointing by TSW’s new addition to the Christmas event. I’m sure it’s a lot of fun if you’re a fan of puzzles and/or opera, but I’m not particularly keen on either, so I wound up finding the mission rather tedious.

A new player begged me for help on the final instance because he couldn’t defeat the mobs, but in the end, he wound up carrying me much more than I carried him, because I never would have solved the puzzles on my own. I just shuffled along and beat up Phoenicians like the trained ape I apparently am.

Also, how many damn times are we gonna have to beat Lydia, anyway?

I decided to simply not repeat the mission, but that presented a problem, because the new outfit is supremely swanky. My only hope was to buy everything I wanted — for all my alts — at auction.

So I wound up selling signets, turning Aurei into augment upgrade toolkits to sell, vendoring green toolkits I’d been hoarding, and basically doing everything to make pax short of turning tricks in Darkside. On the plus side, I made thirteen million pax in the first three days.

My Dragon alt shows off her new holiday costume in The Secret WorldIn the end, I got pretty much everything I wanted, and it cost me a lot less than I initially expected, so I’ve ended the event wealthier than I started.

Thank Grilled Cheesus I didn’t want any of the epic items…

But the event had plenty more to offer. The return of Super Hel and the Mayan Apocalypse is welcome, and I’m very happy they brought back the communal loot bag concept from Halloween.

It’s a great way to bring people together. Sure, you can just dump the loot on the hug-pile that inevitable springs up in Agartha, but where’s the fun in that?

I took mine to Kingsmouth and rounded up a crowd of mainly new or low level players. We had a short impromptu party atop the police station, and one of the lowbies got the zombie polar bear pet, which is the rarest item in this event. It felt good.

And, of course, using the public loot bag earned me the new /dance_single_ladies emote.

If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it.It’s amazing. I mean, I’m no Beyonce fan, but this dance is hilarious. Especially on a male character. Especially with fist weapons equipped.

Speaking of a sense of community…

It’s beginning to look a lot like fish-men…

On Christmas Eve, I tuned in for Moiren‘s now-traditional drunken Lovecraftian Christmas carol sing-along livestream.

As has happened in the past, I wound up logging on to join her in her adventures and doing all sorts of random things. I spent much of the time on my latest alt, and the experience proved quite a boon to my fledgling second Dragon.

I was able to mooch free runs through the first three dungeons, which is great because I almost never get to run dungeons in TSW. I was once again reminded of how much I love Darkness War. Epic war, rifts in space and time, and Vikings. What more could anyone want from a video game?

My Dragon alt skipping ahead to Transylvania to fight a world boss in The Secret WorldAt one point, we wound up killing one of the Vestiges of Nameless Days in the Shadowy Forest. If you want to feel like a badass, spend half an hour running through Transylvania on a character who hasn’t even finished Kingsmouth yet.

EVERYTHING IN THIS ZONE CAN ONE-SHOT ME, AND I DON’T EVEN CARE. TREMBLE BEFORE MY QL1 BLUES.

It’s a bit of a blur after that. I seem to recall a dance party in Niflheim at one point…

With my family scattered to the winds, the holidays can be a bit of a lonely time for me, but a night of virtual Vikings, bad jokes, and drunken songs about Mi-go took a lot of the sting out.

The ice woman cometh:

I haven’t been doing many posts on Heroes of the Storm, but I’m still playing it regularly. I just haven’t had much to say about beyond my initial thoughts. I still think it’s a very fun game somewhat marred by an overbearing business model and an absolutely atrocious community.*

Jaina casting Blizzard in Heroes of the Storm*(To be fair, all game communities are absolutely atrocious. Except TSW’s, which is only partially atrocious.)

However, December was an eventful month for me where Heroes is concerned.

This month saw the long-overdue release of Jaina Proudmoore. After seeing how long it took Anub’arak and Azmodan to make it into the free rotation, I decided to take a chance and buy Jaina as soon as she dropped to 10,000 gold.

I’m glad I did. Jaina almost instantly supplanted Tassadar as my favourite hero. I love her burst, her area of effect damage, her utility, her spell effects, her voice-overs… She’s just a complete blast to play.

I think a lot of it also boils down to being a big fan of Jaina as a character. Or at least the character she used to be.

And that’s the wonderful thing about Heroes. Every character is frozen at their moment of greatest awesomeness. In Heroes, Jaina isn’t some emotionally erratic nincompoop. She’s the calm-headed badass she used to be. If World of Warcraft has failed Jaina, then at least I can still bask in her awesomeness in this game.

A hilarious glitch in Heroes of the Storm

The greatest glitch ever: Jaina Proudmoore surfing on a dinosaur.

I was worried going in, because people on the forums were wailing about Jaina being extremely weak, but I haven’t found that to be the case at all. I’ve had great success with her, consistently. Maybe she’s only effective at relatively low MMR; I don’t know.

Part of the problem might be that Jaina is a very different kind of assassin. People seem to be expecting her to be like Valla or Nova — capable of blowing up single targets effortlessly — but Jaina isn’t very good at that. She’s not a duelist.

Where Jaina excels is in team fights. Her massive area of effect damage and slows are devastating in large brawls, and those are where games are decided. She’s a force to be reckoned with on maps with lots of big team fights in tight spaces, like Cursed Hollow and Blackheart’s Bay.

I loved Jaina so much that I resolved to make her my first hero to reach level ten. I treated myself to one of the new stimpacks (XP boosters) for Christmas, and together with the 25% holiday XP boost, I proceeded to rake in the experience hand over fist.

Even so, it was an abominable grind. I can’t complain too much, since all the rewards for hero leveling past level five are purely cosmetic, but my God, such a grind.

My Jaina showing off her master skin in Heroes of the StormBut it was worth it in the end. At long last, I unlocked her master skin, and it is magnificent, especially the red tint.

Don’t think I’ll be unlocking any other master skins any time soon, though.

* * *

Because one isn’t enough, here’s another shot of my Dragon doing the Single Ladies dance:

The sass is real!